The London Protests

Last week, the United Kingdom had its general election, which resulted in a parliamentary majority for the Conservatives.  Even though more people voted Tories than anyone else, this rendered a few people on a certain side of the political compass sore because government is mostly represented by a party they loathe.  To express their bitterness, they — mostly students — headed to London to cry some more on the streets and cause a ruckus.

These left-winged boneheads are upset over two things; austerity and the lack of proportional representation, which go hand-in-hand in this instance.  Two days into David Cameron being sworn in again and way before his party put any mandate forward, they were already on the streets in protest because ‘63.1% didn’t vote for austerity/Conservatives [delete as appropriate]’ even though that’s a barefaced lie.

It's 20%, at most, actually.

It’s 20%, at most, actually.

The fact of the matter is, the people of the UK voted for right-wing austerity.  When you add up the votes of each of the main two conservative parties in Great Britain and Northern Ireland, their combined total is 50.6%.  Let’s break it down to make it simpler:-

  • Conservative Party: 11,334,920 (36.9%)
  • UK Independence Party: 3,881,129 (12.6%)
  • Democratic Unionist Party: 184,260 (0.6%)
  • Ulster Unionist Party: 114,935 (0.4%)

There you have it, that’s 15,515,244 of the 30,691,680 voters who went for those four parties.  I’m excluding any right-leaning minor parties and independents, who would only make that figure larger, trying to categorise the ideologies of each candidate who stood will take forever so let’s keep it simple, at least doing so already proves these people wrong.  This figure also discounts austerity measures that the Labour Party wanted to put in place, it’s all bitterness from those who think ‘fairness’ is always getting their way.  Their right to protest is based on the fact that simple maths goes against their agenda.

Oh look, now they're talking on behalf of those who chose not to vote, including budding Tory voters.

Oh look, now they’re protesting on behalf of those who chose not to vote, like that’s the Tories’ fault — including budding Tory voters.

What I find strange is that never in the history of British general elections has anyone cried about the election result being unfair, not when Labour won the 2005 election with a parliamentary majority with less of the popular vote, not even at the last one where the government had to be a compromise of two parties with contrasting philosophies.  It is all coming off as sour grapes from the left side, those who are upset that they aren’t being represented.

The Liberal Democrat voters of 2010 were probably happy that their party were in government, or so be it propping up the Conservatives to give them more seats.  What made the LibDems popular last time round was their failed pledge to abolish tuition fees and look how that ended up, it took six months since the coalition was formed for anti-government protests to begin, after cuts were made, not two days after government was re-formed and the cabinet minister roles were yet to be decided.

It’s hard to obtain official data but most of these protesters do appear to be young, namely students and possibly first-time voters.  Much like Egypt after Hosni Mubarak was ousted, democracy is a new concept to them, they think overthrowing any fairly-elected government they don’t like is how it works.  These young people are very naive, they are very influenced by gimmicks and are swayed by ill-thought-out biased populism.  They automatically assume that the left is good and the right is bad, without into account their own actions.

'I don't like it but I have to go along with it.'

‘I don’t like it but I have to go along with it.’

In 2010, it was the LibDems who won their hearts, they were seen as a cool and hip alternative to the Labour Party and look how that ended up, although Labour still wouldn’t have won a majority if the students opted for them instead.  This time, it’s the Green Party who are the “trendy” ones and are appealling to the young electorate.  Wanting to nationalise every single public service and lower taxes, recouping the costs by charging carrier bags £1 each and using the age-old method of rigorously taxing bankers, who’ll either find more loopholes or permanently jetset to a tax haven.

Unsurprisingly, the Greens are very popular among students and a significant chunk of those who voted in the last election opted for the LibDems.  There’s a reason why these people are still in education, they still have a lot more learning to do.  A part of me does want the Greens to win, purely to see how catastrophic it will be, everyone knows how bad it would be and that’s why they have never been a prominent force anywhere in the world.  The philosophy of the Greens is that money does grow on trees, but it just so happens that those trees are a protected species and nobody’s allowed near them.

A massive red herring that these berks have fallen for is the Tory plan to abolish the Human Rights Act, they think the UK is going to turn into a tyrannic dictatorship and they’re going to be silenced, which is hugely ironic when you consider the current circumstances.  The current legislation has massive loopholes in it which are exploited by the likes of Islamic fundamentalist Abu Qatada, who used the act to try and indefinitely postpone his deportation from the country but no, they’re deliberately ignoring these acts of legislative abuse.  This mess does sum up the mentality of them, more worried about the wellbeing and concerns of radical Muslims than those of the general public.

Well, suppressing the opposition is within their right to protest, apparently...

Suppressing the opposition is within their own right to protest, apparently.

Another issue that these morons are protesting is how unfair the first-past-the-post electoral system is, calling for proportional representation to be the method used for parliament.  It’s a bit late to cry for electoral reform right after an election, you’re going to have to wait another five years before it’s put into effect.  As I alluded to earlier, this is the first time that the current system has caused such a fuss and it’s peculiar that it coincided with the UK’s first absolute Conservative government in 23 years.  There weren’t these anti-democratic protests when Labour won with a lower majority of 35.2% in 2005, or when the ConDem coalition was formed five years ago.

We had an Alternative Vote referendum in 2011 to change the voting system, that was overwhelmingly rejected by the British public with 67.9% opting for ‘no’.  The protesters were probably too young to remember or even know about the people choosing to maintain the status quo, it’s easy to be naive and ignorant when clichéd, anti-establishment populism can rot your brain so easily.  It’s no different to comedy to some extent; you’re playing on the ignorance of your audience for support, the main difference being the audience know the comedian isn’t being serious.  Granted, some on the right feel underrepresented via FPTP but at least they’re being civil about it.

In protesting on behalf of the ‘63.1%’, these li’l rebels are inadvertently supporting the party they absolutely loathe — UKIP, who make up a fifth of that percentage.  They are the very same party that these tearaways are more concerned about not getting into government than the ones they support getting into it, with some going as far as disrupting peaceful UKIP rallies and even smashing their offices, hypocritically spray painting ‘Nazi scum’ on the outside as they flee the scene.  That’s how much these kids support democracy,  I respect bone idle no-voters to a much higher regard than these spiteful tactically-voting shits.

Both sides have a problem with the current system but one of them is being sensible about it.

Both sides have a problem with the current system but one of them is being sensible about it.

What’s funny is that these wannabe hippies/communists think that they’re not being taken seriously but when they behave like this, this reasoning is completely justified.  Because they recently left home, they think they’re free from the shackles of authority and can now do whatever they please, whether that be fighting against what was fairly wanted by the people.

The lack of extensive news coverage of the protests is also pissing them off, they want the world to know of this feeble attempt at an uprising but the media outlets aren’t having any of it.  It’s all for good reason as well, no one is buying their cries for attention and not having wall-to-wall coverage of a bunch of whingy students with entitlement issues is a blessing in disguise for them, less people know how idiotic they are being.

I would support increasing the voting age to keep this pseudo-revolutionaries at bay, they’re far too naive and immature to accept that everything can’t go their way.  Either that or move the election to mid-March so it doesn’t coincide with the end of their semesters.  Like some in Scotland after the independence referendum last autumn, they want another vote for the very slim chance it may go their way — keep on rinse and repeating until it eventually happens, that’s how democracy works after all.  You are not ‘sticking it to the man’, you are extremely sore losers.


The modern take of public lynching has appeared to gotten out of hand in the last few years, people seem to get outraged very easily in  this politically correct age.  The problem is, for the most part, people are not genuinely offended by the subject of concern.  They are easily susceptible sheep who’ve jumped on the bandwagon, thinking that taking a stand will make them morally better than those who see no harm or couldn’t give a toss.  This is what social justice has turned into, less dialogue and cooperation between opposing parties and more hate and division between them instead.

Some of the people who partake these witch-hunts are career victimisers, namely left-wing pussies such as feminists.  They want to be revolutionaries like the prominent figures who influence them, make a difference to the world and leave a legacy although they have no proper goals to achieve and are left to feed on scraps.  The only way they can do it is trawl through everyday aspects of society and find remnants of anything that can be given discriminatory connotations.

Once a target has been acquired, they’ll create an online petition to get rid of the offending subject and spread it to the herd.  If that is a success and the signatures keep racking up, the e-petition will gain coverage on the Huffington Post, followed by The Guardian and then the other big news outlets.  This will pressure the party responsible for the concerning subject into buckling under the pressure and succumb to these people’s demands, where we witness civilisation getting pegged down by a couple of notches.

So many pseudo-Marxists who have no interest in getting into politics.  Is it because their ideals would properly falter, perhaps?

So many pseudo-Marxists who have no interest in getting into politics. Is it because their ideals would properly falter, perhaps?

What’s so worrying is the influence the press have over the public, if it wasn’t for them brewing up a shitstorm across the breadth of the country by instigating the head-calling of a prominent figure, hardly anyone would give a toss.  These morons who are caught up in the media frenzy are easily manipulatable, unable to think independently and should be considered a risk to themselves.

They can’t think critically and don’t bother to look deeper into the story, instead jumping to conclusions by being force-fed by the press and looking like complete idiots when the story doesn’t turn out to be true.  This is why pictures of food have to be accompanied with ‘serving suggestion’, common sense is an alien concept for them; you have to tell them 4 because asking them 2+2 would make their brains implode.

I feel that we are losing our fundamental right to free speech and expression whenever these morons get their way, being granted authority over something because they don’t like it; that’s bordering on the authoritarianism.  So what if something upsets you?  Life isn’t supposed to be tailored to meet the specifications of these over-entitled twats, learn to put up with it like the sensible folk do.  It is doing more harm to society than good.

Let's not forget we live in a world where people still question the Sunday Sport's journalistic credibility.

Let’s not forget we live in a world where people still question the Sunday Sport‘s journalistic credibility.

In 2014 alone, prominent figures that have been the subject of a massive public backlash, calling for their heads, but were conveniently forgotten about a week later include:

  • Jeremy Clarkson
  • Nigel Farage
  • Richard Scudamore
  • Ched Evans
  • Dapper Laughs

Jeremy Clarkson this year was accused of racism TWICE, once in May and again in July, although the latter did garner some media coverage a couple of months prior.  The first incident started by one of the red-top rags obtaining unbroadcast footage from Top Gear, where they accused him of saying ‘nigger’ when mumbling a nursery rhyme.  The Mirror was the one with the discriminatory mindset and used it to play into the hands of its audience, by repeating a barely inaudible mumble and amplifying it would make people think Jezza appear more racist each time.

The newspaper can piss right off anyway, thinking it’s a self-righteous beacon of morality, when its editors have partook in hacking into celebrity’s phones for that juicy scoop.  Rightly, the BBC brushed the uproar under the rug as nothing was breached.  Perhaps it was unbroadcast for a reason, maybe to avert this exact controversy?

Jeremy Clarkson:  The enemy of the inherent victim.

Jeremy Clarkson:  The sworn enemy of the perpetual victim.

The second incident came from an episode broadcast over Christmas time last year, where the crew went to Burma to build a bridge over the Kok River.  Clarkson stated there was a slope on their bridge, which Richard Hammond pointed out that it was uneven on one side.  This didn’t seem to cause a fuss for another few months, probably when it was repeated on the digital channel Dave rather than the mainstream BBC Two.  No one knew that ‘slope’ was a slur towards South East Asians, until someone with a victim complex said that he was definitely referring to a gentleman walking across the lopsided bridge at the time.

UKIP and its party members are always bombarded with the same old cries of racism and xenophobia in the run-up to an election.  This time, it was the European elections where the party were the best-performing one.  It was somehow forgotten after the vote, probably because the herd don’t have any interest in politics and were just jumping on what was cool at the time.  The UK general election is next May so don’t be surprised if the usual suspects start spouting the same nonsense again, before not hearing a word from them afterwards.

The more you try to shame UKIP, the stronger you make them.

Trying to shame UKIP only strengthens their stance and support.

Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore had his private emails leaked during the climax of the season by guess who?  The social justice brigade at The Mirror again.  The emails were deemed sexist by certain quarters but if you actually read those messages, you can see the jokey intentions and know they are not being serious.  It’s feminism going too far, to simply put it, where women are so below men they are sacred and untouchable, as if they are privileged rather than “oppressed”.

This incident just shows how skewed some people’s perspective of morality are; being more outraged with the contents of a personal email — which are of no concern to them — than the fact that Scudamore’s privacy was breached, with his personal emails being leaked to the public.  If you can support potentially illegal activities to combat morally questionable (yet legally fine) ones, you really need to re-evaluate your own judgement.  It wasn’t that long ago either, when everyone was paranoid that we were being spied upon online and our own private information wasn’t really that secure, but it’s apparently alright if that personal information includes jokes you don’t like.

Footballer Ched Evans gained a bigger reputation when he got out of prison than he did going in, which I have already gone into great detail in.  Some will never choose to understand what he did and the circumstances surrounding it, they will forever put him on par with the prolific sex offenders instead of admitting that he made a mistake and is very unlikely to become a repeat offender.  He got the lowest possible sentence for a rape offence, five years, which does tell us about the severity of his actions on that night in May 2011.  If I had a daughter, I’d much rather have her hanging around with Evans than the proper scumbags like Marlon King and Joey Barton.  Most people who have heard of Ched Evans haven’t heard of the latter two footballers, despite the heinous acts they have committed.  Why?  Because baa.

The man who evaded social justice, or 'social justice warriors are only swayed by media hype'.

The man who evaded social justice, or ‘social justice warriors are only swayed by media hype’.

These people hold Mike Tyson to a much higher regard than Evans, even though he’s another convicted rapist and has attempted cannibalism.  Just ask the now-former Sheffield United patron Charlie Webster, who resigned from her role after the club allowed Ched to retrain there to maintain his fitness, she had no problem wanting to pose for a photo with Tyson and has since “regretted” saying it once her hypocrisy was brought to light.  Have they heard of Ched’s partner in crime, Clayton McDonald, who was acquitted for his part in the same incident?  I’m very doubtful, they think they know the whole story when they’ve only read one page.

Besides, he wants to go back into professional football.  He’ll be in the public eye, unlike if he was considering to be a low-key office clerk.  Although the chances of Evans committing such an act again are very slim, employment helps ex-convicts find their feet in society and reduces their chances of reoffending, it’s a logical paradox that the shepherds and their flock refuse to get their head around.  He may be on licence and serving the second half of his term in the community, but the law still permits him to work, he doesn’t have any legal immunity which these people are trying to lead us to believe.

Footballers become professional at 16, when they finish secondary school, they miss sixth form/college because they have what higher education leads us a step closer to; a job and a nicely paid one at that.  So the question is, where do the social justice mob expect him to work?  It’s most likely jealousy from those who aren’t good enough to be given the opportunity to step into a job like which pays like football does.

Society forgives, or forgets, or doesn't care if you're a prominent name in your field.

Society forgives, or forgets, or doesn’t care if you’re a prominent name in your field.

King signed for Sheffield United last season but where was this backlash when this convicted sex offender and woman beater joined the club?  Quite simply, there wasn’t one because the press didn’t give him any attention.  There was a slight fury when he signed for Coventry City in 2010, after his release but that blew over when he started playing again.  The same thing happened with Lee Hughes, after he was freed after causing death by dangerous driving but his coverage died a few weeks into his resurrected career, the same thing will happen to Ched Evans.

He hasn’t apologised for his actions because of the inconsistencies of the whole farce, how can one get away with doing the exact same thing as him, whilst he got convicted?  I’m not sure if McDonald apologised but he doesn’t need to since he didn’t get locked up, Evans doing the same would potentially jeopardise his appeal process to clear his name.  The whole judicial debacle is why Evans has his supporters, two different outcomes for two people committing the same act.  I don’t think there has been a divisive court case in UK legal history, it’s the UK’s version of the O.J. Simpson case.

If his appeal is successful, will everyone forgive him and stop with this mob mentality or will they think that the justice system is victim blaming by clearing a convicted rapist like that, despite being oblivious to Clayton McDonald’s existence?  My head is saying the latter, they won’t be able to accept they are brainwashed sheep otherwise it would contradict everything that went before them.  Miscarriages of justice only work in their favour, apparently.  There are people who refuse to accept the innocence of those wrongly accused of rape, calling them “not proven guilty” instead of ‘innocent’, which itself is victim blaming.

Well, at least they're not disrespecting women.

Well, at least they’re not disrespecting women.

Because he’s a footballer, many are concerned about Ched’s influence on the younger generation of aspiring footballers who may see him as a role model.  That is a massive red herring and it’s highly subjective, those who’ve been suggesting that have no clue about football for the most part.  We have Ryan Giggs, John Terry, Steven Gerrard, (Brazilian) Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Jaap Stam, Wayne Rooney and Luis Suarez — all big names and very talented footballers who have done stuff you’d be appalled if your child committed such acts.

Between them, they have; written off a sports car on a public road, started a brawl in a nightclub, slept with prostitutes of either the transvestite or senior variety, bitten people, committed adultery and sometimes with his sibling’s partner, spouted racial slurs, attacked a DJ for not playing Phil Collins, swore in front of a TV camera to millions in the middle of the afternoon, tested positive for steroids, joked about 9/11 to Americans not long after the attack.  Not exactly behaviour we want our kids looking up to, is it?

It’s not too dissimilar to David Milliband stepping down from the Sunderland board when self-proclaimed fascist Paolo Di Canio became manager, everyone was caught up in the faux outrage.  No one had a problem with him when he became manager of lowly Swindon Town in 2011, West Ham United fans still love him well after he made the fascist salute in Italy in 2005.  No one today labels Di Canio a fascist because all that has long since blown over, no one cares and have most likely forgot about it.

Poor man's Jay Cartwright, but who called for The Inbetweeners to be pulled?

Poor man’s Jay Cartwright, but who called for The Inbetweeners to be pulled?

Dapper Laughs is the comedic alter ego of Daniel O’Reilly, he has recently caused a shitstorm because his overly-exaggerated lad/geezer persona is highly misogynistic and, like it’s been read from an Alan Partridge script, has had his second series cancelled.  It’s made obvious what kind of character he is, with a name like that.  No one else uses the word ‘dapper’ apart from Cockneys and he has given him the second name ‘Laughs’, it’s weird how blind people can be to the painstakingly obvious when you choose to hate it.  Despite being shown the axe, his rise to fame renders the online attention whores jealous; starting off on the microvlogging platform Vine to getting his on TV show on ITV.

Like many, I didn’t know who this Laughs geez was so having his series canned made him more famous than he ever was.  I’ve seen trailers for his programme being promoted on the ITV channels but it seemed shit, now he is plastered all over the news complete with his little clips.  I am a firm believer in the Streisand Effect, which is the ironic phenomenon of inadvertently giving something more exposure by concealing it.  Has trying to push Dapper back into the unknown resulted in a spectacular own goal for the feminists?

Although Mr Laughs does not pass my funny test, the people who are complaining about him don’t know how comedy works.  There are three aspects of comedy he successfully takes on board; going over-the-top, which is what makes slapstick work; satire, poking fun at the lad culture by going overboard with his caricature; and shock value, which separates the tame jokes from the risqué ones, there are more laughs in controversy.

Self-awareness is definitely lost on feminists.

Self-awareness is definitely lost on feminists.

I very much doubt that Laughs’s intention was to offend women, he was aiming to the crowd which use that god-awful slang on a regular basis; those who shave their heads around the sides and spend an hour making sure every single strand of hair on top stays in place, wasting another two hours moisturising their face and plucking their eyebrows — them sort of “lads”.  That it actually offended certain people is what made his act funnier.

The time we live in is the reason why O’Reilly’s character got shot down like a Malaysian aeroplane so fast, we are not allowed to be edgy anymore because it would hurt someone’s feelings, which is like practically illegal now anyway.  He’s since been grilled on national TV, namely on BBC’s Newsnight; a programme famed for pushing its feminist agenda in the name of “equality”.  Presenter Emily Maitlis did nothing but create straw arguments, making bizarre claims and bold assumptions that the character insinuates his audience to rape, with no other reason apart from to shame the creator.

Feminists and other self-marginalised groups choose to get offended by the content of the material, not bothering to put an effort in understanding the intentions of the writer.  A notable example of this has to be Brass Eye, too many people thought the programme was trivialising paedophilia rather than poking fun at the hysteria bubbled up by the press on such topics.  In essence, show writer Chris Morris correctly predicted the reaction to his work without these cretins knowing, which was the genius of it.  Thankfully, the sensible people who do see the intentions are in the majority, for now.

It was acceptable in the '90s, up until 2002.

It was acceptable in the ’90s, up until 2002.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Alan Partridge or Al Murray’s Pub Landlord character would be kicked to the ground in this manner if they were created in the 2010s instead of the 1990s.  Like Dapper; Partridge and the Pub Landlord are an extension of the actors who portray them.  These comedy characters allow the actors to get away with saying certain things, which would otherwise result in them being condemned from all quarters.

Coogan’s and Murray’s characters are narrow-minded bigots but that’s why they’re much-loved, everyone knows they are caricatures of the traditional conservative man so why can’t O’Reilly get away with his take on the modern East Ender?  Keith Lemon is just as misogynistic as Dapper but has received less criticism, Lemon has been Leigh Francis’ marquee character since 2008 but has been around since 2000, does he get away with it because he’s established and predates the PC age?

It’s pretty much the same with Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle; they’ve made jokes about rape and sexual assault, they’ve garnered some controversy for their routines but were never the victims of this sheepy lynch mob mentality.  Most likely because they have the experience to put the dissenters firmly in their place and shut them up for good.  The real sexists out there are the ones who predominantly judge people on their sex and genderise issues faced by people in general, those who do that more often than not are — surprise, surprise — feminists.  It seems like the only way to combat sexism in this day and age is to be more sexist than the offender you’re calling out.

Scottish Independence

There’s less than a week to go before the people of Scotland go to the polls and the country is very much split even on its fate, which does seem pretty worrying on the face of it.  The cry for independence isn’t as one-sided as it was in the former Yugoslav and Soviet republics 20-30 years ago or in Ireland 70 years before that, a lot of the ‘yes’ camp don’t actually have a problem with being part the UK and are only speaking out because they have been given this opportunity.

More Scots will be disappointed with independence than if the campaign falters, many people who are voting ‘yes’ are doing it to stick two fingers up at the current Westminster government or seem to be overzealous Braveheart-loving bigots.  The entire referendum has been set up because of the former; waiting as long as possible for the contrasting coalition parties to implode before the next general election in eight months’ time, lowering the voting age to appeal to those who are more naive and anti-English than those much mature than them, and not allowing Scots living elsewhere in the UK (and abroad) to have a say, who are more likely to vote ‘no’.

The Better Together campaign are panicking and are playing in the hands of the nationalists as the gap between ‘yes’ and ‘no’ get ever-so tighter and slightly swing the other way, promising to throw more power at an already-devolved Scottish Parliament, something which was initially planned as a compromise called devo-max.  They’re opening a can of worms for England by doing this, who are just as divisive on Westminster as Scotland is.  If they keep their promises if the union is maintained, the English will cry for more power for themselves instead of it being centralised by a disillusioned government out of touch with the vast majority of the country.  The UK should become a federal country, with England further divided into its regions so English politicians would better represent its people.

Gain power from one union to lose it to another.

Gain power from one union to lose it to another, if it was that easy…

Beyond having greater power, the biggest critiques the Scottish National Party and its supporters have with maintaining the union is that the ‘no’ camp are “negative”, “patronising” and “scaremongering” — talk about being fallacious.  Of course those against Scotland being independent aren’t optimistic, they’re being realistic.  The status quo has been successful for all its 307-year history, they fear what such a radical change would do to their country.  Some ‘yes’ voters have been aggressive towards ‘no’ voters, brandishing them as traitors for wanting what’s best for their country.  They are just as Scottish now as they would have been in the pre-union days, that is an aptly-named fallacy known as ‘no true Scotsman’.

All what the SNP have is blind optimism and predictions of the country’s wealth, which they’re passing off as credible statistics but they still don’t know what currency their hypothetical riches will be in.  Now compare that to 300+ years of rock-solid evidence, the big Scottish institutions have made great headway in the British market and have threatened to move south in the event of a ‘yes’ vote, where the population is 11x bigger (by 55 million) and will definitely use the same currency they currently operate in.

Scotland’s apparent wealth lies in the North Sea, quite literally, in the form of oil.  These oil reserves lie off the shore of Shetland, which have similar problems with the Scottish parliament as the Scottish parliament do with the British parliament.  The SNP have promised they would grant the Northern Isles greater autonomy within Scotland, so it could be possible that they can opt out of independence and rejoin the union, à la Northern Ireland in 1922 or be an Isle of Man-style dependency, whom they share a Norse-Gael heritage with.

They love Scotland so much, they decided to move away.

They love Scotland so much, they decided to move away.

The archipelagos of Shetland and Orkney feel more Nordic than Gaelic; they were part of the Kalmar Union, encompassing the three Scandinavian kingdoms, until the 15th century when they were pawned to the Kingdom of Scotland. They have been a Liberal Democrat stronghold ever since the party first stood for election, with the preceding Liberal Party taking the seats before them.  Whilst most of Scotland revolted against the three main Westminster parties in the Scottish election one year after the last UK-wide general election, Shetland and Orkney remained faithful to the LibDems after the rest of the mainland thought they sold out to the Tory boys in 2010.

The independence referendum will be Alex Salmond’s swansong, he is the Nick Clegg of Scotland; everyone loved him before the general elections with all his policies made in a TV debate but when he got into power, it all went to his head and threw his pledges out of the window.  I feel the same will happen if Scotland does break away from the United Kingdom, some ‘yes’-voting Scots despise him already and see him as a one-trick pony with half-baked ideas and no plan B.  The SNP are only in power in Scotland because the Scots don’t trust the three main Westminster parties and have this fourth option, that’s exactly why UKIP are on the rise in England, everyone in the UK is singing from the same hymn sheet.

If his wish doesn’t come true by the 19th, it could be the last we hear of him politically but he will probably cry for more referenda until one eventually goes his way.  Salmond just wants the perks of being in the UK but without being part of it, but he hasn’t thought through the implications of leaving.  He thinks all the benefits Scotland have been given by the United Kingdom, on behalf of their involvement in the international community, can be snapped up like that straight after independence but nothing is ever that simple, is it?

July the 11th

2014.  That Friday was the shittest day in my recent history, at least, but what made it significant was that it had its roots to four weeks prior.  My birthday is in the middle of June but that weekend clashed with my mates going to Poland, I assumed they went for the week but found out it was just for a few days as one of them was using Twitter on Sunday night and had geotagging enabled.  Then there was the small matter of the World Cup, which rendered every single weekend for the next few weeks otherwise engaged.

With the wallchart at hand and a hypothetical list of potential knockout ties, the best day would be the Friday on the eve of the final, when there were no games on.  Being the disorganised fuckers my pals are, I was relatively pestering them because it was the first time we would be doing anything for my birthday since 2008.  After finalising a time and a meeting point with four of them, that should have been that.

The 11th beckoned and the events started after organising an online swap with my World Cup stickers, I signed and sealed the envelope and the moment I stepped out of the door, I clocked that I have forgotten my keys.  Why did I need them?  Postbox is only round the corner and I’ve walked to it barefoot once before or after, forgot when that was.  This was at just after 2pm so I can timestamp proceedings.

To find a way in, I tried to climb in through the top living room window which I left open because it was humid as Hell, that didn’t work as it was too high up and I didn’t want to risk breaking my few week old TV if I did fit through.  I rolled the wheelie bin to the porch and try and climb up to its roof and open the big bedroom window via the open top one, but I pussied out of that situation in fear of ruining my belated birthday bash.

Being me, I used my intuition and got the wooden washing prop in an attempt to drag my phone from the middle of the living room floor next to my laptop, which is where I sit so I can keep everything plugged in.  That didn’t work as the prop was taller than the living room itself, there were a few old detachable parasol poles in the shed and so I put 1 and 1 together, and what happened?  It fell apart inside the house.

There was a third part to this pole thingy and that miraculously worked, I found a shorter wooden rod to try and chopstick my phone out of the window, with me having one foot on the window ledge and another on the neighbour’s wall separating our gardens.  Not too reminiscent of a situation at school, where my critical thinking got the ball from the top of the cloister roof; I used the Morrisons bag lying there in next door’s garden and got a newspaper from the blue recycling bin — my only saving grace, the blue bin not going out that day as the binmen come each Friday.

I used the pages from newspaper and line it around the rim of the bag to keep it wide open, which was my idea to save the stranded ball and hoist it up into our classroom above.  The key difference this time was that I didn’t have any sellotape to hold the paper in place, I had to use more paper to reinforce the structure and it just about held.  After an hour of struggling and an additional one locked out, I salvaged my phone albeit with a small scratch across the top of the screen.

I tried calling my dad but it wouldn’t let me, despite having the full 100 free minutes remaining.  Texting is effectively ineffective with him as he gets back to them two hours later, I messaged my sister over Facebook to tell him to call me.  He did call me but with the reception being shit, I couldn’t grasp what he was saying so I waited for another hour for him to come round.

In the sweltering heat, I took my frustration on the ants running amok on the garden wall and began to kick out on them in my steel-tipped boots.  Little did I know, it was that day of the year when the flying ants come out to play.  Not knowing it was that day, the ants evacuated from the cracks in the wall.  I thought it was me who caused this mass exodus that caused tremors on all the nooks and crannies in the other walls down the street, I felt worse than God for a bit.

After another hour waiting for my dad, I got fed up and texted him knowing he’d be close to his phone this time, he told me that he’s been drinking since he got home from work and so couldn’t let me in.  I was left with no choice other than to walk round to his house, which took 40 minutes and had to do part of it barefoot because I was starting to develop blisters in those boots.

I finally made it, dad gave me his keys, I asked for a pair of socks to cope with those blisters and he also gave me £3.90 bus fare, 10p short for a Stagecoach DayRider yet would still mean walking some of it home.  That was another 40-odd minutes walking back as I took a longer route via the tram stop in Didsbury, saving that bus fare to get the bus to town later.  It was just after 7pm that I tasted confinement again, five hours sweating my balls off in the outdoors.

I told everyone to meet up at Deansgate at 9:30, despite knowing that Sam had to drop out; giving me just over an hour to have my tea, shower and get dressed.  Being more or less on schedule, I got on the £1 MagicBus to town and WhatsApp’d Adam on the way there for a sitrep, he said Luke has gone camping for the weekend but he’ll be there at half 10, giving me an extra hour of fuck allery.  Luckily, Matt was coming in from Preston and would arrive at the same time as him.

I tried to use this time to get in a few pre-drinks but no, I wasn’t allowed in anywhere — despite only trying one place — because I was wearing shorts.  Sorry it was fucking boiling, you allow girls in who have their meatflaps hanging out.  Wasting time at Deansgate Station, I overheard that a nearby James concert in Castlefield was reaching its climax and the station will be filling up.  I told everyone about this hopped on the next train to Oxford Road, oblivious to Adam getting off where I got on.

When I got off at the next station, he called me which made me aware of this fact so we agreed to meet up outside Sainsbury’s near my end, closer to town.  As Oxford Road station has ticket gates installed, I couldn’t exit freely and so had to pay £1.50 to buy myself out of the station.  We finally met up at Sainsbury’s just the next block along, he told me to go back home and put on some proper trousers.

With a total of around £28 down the drain, I could finally meet up with everyone else and celebrate what was supposed to be joyous occasion, sweating my balls off even more.  The highlight of the of the entire day was when I got back into town and on my way to the Printworks, a foreign tramp called me a faggot for snubbing him.  I’m not sure what the Daily Mail would think of that, a foreigner serving no purpose to British society but ineligible to scrounge off the state.

Following the infamous FA Cup semi-final weekend of 2013, I pledged to stick to English-looking drinks from then on.  I had a few pints of Carlsberg and two shots of Jägermeister as the English people descended from Germans.  Lots of lager just gives me a headache and Jägerbombs don’t seem to have any effect on me but because of those two measly shots, I felt like shit the morning after and threw up four times, don’t think I touched the Devil’s nectar since.

So what all this was a month ago?  I leave this shit fashionably late because it’s in my nature.


The shit is really hitting the fan there, as usual, again, nothing that hasn’t happened before.  Everyone is making out Israel are the ones to blame here because their rockets are killing Palestinians, whilst Gaza’s shitty missiles are being intercepted by the Iron Dome defence system.  If Gaza had the Iron Dome whilst Israel didn’t, would the finger be pointed the other direction?  I’m not sure, it’s easy to be anti-Zionist than anti-Islam because the Israelis are the big boys here, they’re the ones bombing hospitals and killing kids, we know what Muslims are like when you say something bad about their beliefs or draw a lovely picture of Mohammed.

Hamas can’t attack populated places because Israel can defend their civilians and take out strategic targets, whilst Hamas store their artillery in public buildings and aimlessly fire anywhere into the country.  If you throw stones at a brickmaker, don’t be shocked if they hurl a tonne of bricks at you so stop crying about it.  Gaza is under the auspices of Hamas, which almost every western country list as a terrorist organisation and in their charter, seek the death of every single Jew.  The countries that don’t see them that way are, unsurprisingly, other Muslim countries that absolutely despise the Jewish state.  Some of those countries’ relations with Israel range from not acknowledging their sovereignty to international sanctions preventing them from bombarding them with nuclear arms.

You only need to know the reaction of those countries towards the Munich Massacre for their true colours to shine through, they’re absolutely disgusted at the thought of commemorating the attacks whilst smirking at the deaths of 11 athletes and coaches.  Israel wouldn’t need to use the Iron Dome if they could trust those around them, they would be wiped off the map if it couldn’t fend for itself.  Egypt and Jordan, who border the Palestinian territories, buck the trend and see Hamas for who they really are and the former have even closed the border crossing with Gaza.

Satire tells us that terrorism is justified when you have a shit arsenal.

Satire tells us that terrorism is justified when you have a shit arsenal.

Pretty much every single Muslim on the planet side with Palestine because they are biased, they think their opinions on the place are valid despite very few of them can call it home.  Their most favourite argument for it to us “outsiders” is that the name ‘Palestine’ predates the current State of Israel, despite the State of Palestine being 40 years younger and, ironically, was formed as a result of Israeli territory being occupied by its invasive Egyptian and Jordanian neighbours.  They’re trying to play on the ignorance of the socially-acceptable antisemites — anti-Zionists — hoping they don’t apply their lukebaked argument to ‘Israel’ and are unfortunately succeeding to an extent, just don’t tell them Jews from the region were also Palestinians prior to 1948.

Muslims love each other so much, that’s why Iraq is being retorn a new one because its people adhere to different shoots of the same branch, a dispute that’s incidentally been raging for around 1400 years now.  That sort of blinkered religious solidarity doesn’t really exist outside the Islamic world, the conflicts in Europe in the past 20-30 years which had any religious connotations were really based on nationalism, although religion can be an important part of identifying yourself with a certain nationality or ethnic group.

Take the former Yugoslavia; the Serbs are Orthodox Christians, Croats are Roman Catholic and the Bosniaks are Muslims.  In Northern Ireland, the Brits are Protestant and the Irish are Catholic — both lots there may be culturally related to each other, same language and that, but it’s their religious beliefs which makes them distance themselves from each other.  The Sunnis and Shiites are currently killing each other in Iraq identify themselves as Iraqis, meaning it’s a religious issue and not a nationalistic one — where’s the international condemnation there?  Oh yeah, they’re Muslims.

Palestine back when the enemy of your enemy was also your friend.

Palestine back when the enemy of your enemy was also your friend.

Bosnia and Herzegovina is made up of two subdivisions; the predominantly-Bosniak Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina, and the predominantly-Serb Republika Srpska — they have gotten on relatively harmoniously since the war ended in 1995.  Why can’t they do that in Palestine?  A neutral state comprising of two federal entities for both parties with Jerusalem being “neutral”, much like how Brussels and the Brčko District are in similarly-composed countries.  Doubt the solution will be that simple, bring back the British Mandate.

Lebanon was a predominantly Christian country last century (84% in the 1920s) but an Islamic offensive caused a civil war, where the Christians either fled or were killed and reduced the figure to a third of the population.  The Lebanese situation has parallels to the Arab-Israeli conflict but no one outside the Middle Eastern sphere is supporting them.  Judaism predates Islam by around 1500 years, Mohammed wasn’t born until the late-6th century and the Arabian tribes were confined to the Arabian Peninsula south of the region during the biblical times, so which group of people were in the area first and have really been losing land over time?  Christians predated the Muslims too yet don’t claim any part of the Holy Land, they seem very gracious about it as well.

Palestinians aren’t a race, they’re just Arabs and Muslims like everyone else in the surrounding countries so they can fit in very well in those places.  Muslims feel like they can do whatever they want without any repercussions, India is a multireligious country but they couldn’t accept that and broke away to form their own state.  They’re philistines who are intolerant of anyone with opposing ideals, that’s what happens when you let religion interfere with every aspect of your daily life — rather apt they currently occupy the land once inhabited by the original Philistines.  Muslims that are accustomed to western culture are not like that, they’re very civil and sociable, the people of Bosnia and Herzegovina being a prime example of that.


People seem to have a problem who are generally not happy but not me, that’s because I am one of those miserable sods.  I prefer those who are like that; they see life for how it is, they don’t feign optimism and pretend everything is a breeze.  What is wrong with moaning?  It’s like it’s our fault as to why nothing is perfect, we acknowledge that and don’t think smiling will mask the problem.  Depressives do that; pretend to be happy to hide away what’s mentally destroying them, rather than getting it off their chest.  I’ve been down that road and the problem is that there’s no one to out your troubles to, those who think they can help are patronising cunts and so don’t know how to deal with your woes without making it worse for you, you want someone who you can trust and doesn’t treat you any different than someone who thinks they know what they’re doing.

Ironically, those idealist types moan at me for moaning excessively and what should I do about it, fake my personality to appease them?  Fuck off.  Conversely, there are some who praise me for saying stuff for how it is, with brute honesty.  Would you rather be lied to be kept happy, prolonging the issue and making the situation worse when the cat is eventually let out of the bag, or be told the cold, hard truth and get it over and done with there and then?  You’d rather the latter, no one likes liars.  People who are “too nice” never appear to be genuine, they are far too impersonal and try to be intrusive into the lives of others.  It really isn’t natural to be that nice, they are either naive or masking inner problems.  Life isn’t supposed to be a cinch, that’s why we end up dying.  Cynics are funny, making light of a situation whether inadvertently or not, shame the idealists are too stupid to have a proper sense of humour and so ignore it.

Let's not fake our emotions

Forcing happiness on people makes them worse, so fuck off.

Some people in the entertainment industry have taken them to their advantage, Ricky Gervais’s uncovering of Karl Pilkington being the most notable example and less so, Jack Whitehall using his dad as a comic relief in his abomination of a chat show.  One person that is Marmite and tends to split people’s opinion is ex-footballer turned pundit and co-commentator Mark Lawrenson, you can guess what side of the fence I’m on regarding him.  He comes out with the most bizarre of rants mid-game about something like a player’s hairstyle, he’s critical in a very sarcastic manner and comes out with cheesy jokes, not to mention his off-mic laughs.  I think it is acceptable from him because he’s pushing on 60, can’t see Guy Mowbray or the coma-inducing Michael Owen getting away with it.

Lawro was one of the commentators that replaced the legendary duo of Peter Brackley and Sir Trevor Brooking in the Pro Evolution Soccer series, the commentary has never been great on PES but Brackers and Brookers have a cult following from a time when the series was good.  His role wasn’t well-received, mostly owing to the commentary being wooden and not dynamic, he was dropped after three years and was replaced by the bland Gabriel Clarke.  Despite Pro Evo going downhill during the transition from last-gen to current-gen, some of Lawrenson’s one-liners were a highlight especially when a goalkeeper concedes a schtoomer and needs his hands sewn back on.

‘This is when I wish I had laryngitis, what am I supposed to say about that?’

I like cats, some people think they’re shits, I think growing up with them is maybe why I don’t think they’re shits.  Besides that, what I like about them is how they don’t give a fuck; they almost always have that pissed-off look about them, they’re stubborn, don’t show much affection and can be spiteful — they are probably the animals that have come closest to replicate true human emotion.  Compare them to dogs; they are far too clingy, always in your face, slobbering over your face, under your feet, just in the way in general.  Although my Ceefer Weefer, he did miss me at Christmas when I saw him for the first time in one and a half years, he was milling around my legs and sitting on my lap when watching telly.  Cats know their limits from day one, dogs have to get old and frail before they stop being a pain.

If cats and dogs were humans, cats would be teenagers who want to be independent and out of the way, dogs on the other hand would be the über-clingy bitch who would kill themselves if they knew you couldn’t bear their presence, either that or a spastic.  I’ve been there; Hannah at school made me snap by being an insufferable prick and persistently lingering near me, like an eggy fart around a tramp, so I pushed her over a classroom table.  She tried slitting her wrists with a spoon albeit unrelated to me I think, dabbled in mild lesbianism and has now started flaunting her enhanced cleavage at every photo opportunity she gets on Facebook.  The attention seeking whore, see why nobody likes her?

Reading the Media

I can’t believe I am doing this; a piece of homework willingly, albeit three months too late.  Not been this eager to do any since were were asked to make a castle for History in year 7, two weeks we were given and I was done in a couple of hours.

This particular piece does interest me, it is how people perceive the media; whether we are slaves to it or whether it’s used to meet our needs.  It is split into three theories; the hypodermic needle, uses and gratification, and encoding and decoding:

  • Hypodermic Needle model — assumes the audience is heavily influenced by the media and it affects our behaviour. (passive audience)
  • Uses and Gratification theory — the audience uses the media to serve a purpose or fulfill their needs, whether it be to escape from the hustle and bustle of reality or for something educational, stuff like that. (active audience)
  • Encoding and Decoding model — how the audience reads the message set by the producer, whether our understanding of it is the intended message or not.  It may not necessarily be the producer’s message, it could be the opinion of someone hired by the producer. (combination of both) This is split into three further readings which I more or less explained:
    • Preferred — your reading of it is what the producer intended
    • Oppositional — your reading is the complete opposite of what was intended
    • Negotiated — you accept parts of the intention and reject the rest

Stuart Hall (not the paedo) coined the encoding and decoding model sort of as a compromise of the other two; pretty much saying we agree with it, we disagree or we do both to different aspects of it.  It doesn’t cover all bases, we can just leave the TV on for the sake of it and watch ever it throws at us and not have an opinion at all, I reckon that’s covered by uses and gratification.  In addition, you don’t need to be brainwashed by the media like how the 12 year old One Dimension fans are — the hypodermic needle model — in order to agree with it.

What can influence our opinion is how we regard this particular person; if you like them, you’re more likely to brown nose them and cling onto their every word.  If you can’t stand them, you’re more likely to dismiss everything they say.  People of reason would take away any personal feelings they have towards the opinionator, passing judgement on their words and not on their character.

The Pat Nevin 'Tactical Masterclass': Close down the winger and leave the striker clean through for an easier goal.

The Pat Nevin Tactical Masterclass: Close down the winger in possession (who went on to score from a tight angle) and leave the striker clean through for an easier goal.

So the other night, there was a programme on BBC2 called Blurred Lines: The New Battle of the Sexes, looking at sexism in the internet age.  As predicted; it was hilariously one-side and turned into a case of ‘wah wah wah women are always the victims‘, ‘men hate women even more now’ and ‘how dare men exercise their right to free speech’.  The show was pretty tedious, I think the whole point of it was to antagonise men — which is sexism in itself — and I was surprised the vox pops of the women not being offended by rude jokes weren’t cut.

It was showing skits of controversial comedian Frankie Boyle poking fun at a woman whilst ignoring any of his material on men, and similarly-proclaimed Brendon Burns talking about 21st century feminism.  To top it off, it had a clip of David Cameron quoting Michael Winner’s ‘calm down, dear’.  So all the show did was turn personal swipes and attacks in the virtual world into a matter of general misogyny, the moral of the story there being; feminists think they are sacred and are all-round better to us mere mortals, critique them at your peril.

I took this to Twitter and commented on how opportunistic feminists seemed to be and I inevitably got a reaction off women, which did nothing but bolster that theory much further.  Their 100 year old pursuit for equality has now reached levels comparable to Islamism; they can make fun of men without a fuss but vice versa, you have a deathwish.  Stand up for women’s rights and you’re a true gentleman, stand up for men’s rights and World War III is on the horizon.  Even had one telling me that 95% of objectification in the media is of women, only to be told that was just on magazine covers sans lad mags, which still seems odd.  Are they counting the little inset of Britney Spears snapped on the beach in her swimwear on the front of Now!?  What a disconcertingly vague statistic, what is the percentage of total magazines with objectifying covers?

The Islamist logical fallacy.

The Islamist logical fallacy.

As long as the two genders coexist, plus with these hip “trans” ones coming in for those who love to be marginalised by society, there will always be a rivalry between the sexes.  To put it humbly, oppositional reading happens all too often in their world and it’s followed by a mass knee-jerk reaction.  It only takes one chicken to cluck a different tune to everyone else to get them all kicking off, it’s a matter of their skewed-up word over the true intentions.  Calling one ‘love’ will result in a reaction not too dissimilar to spitting in their child’s face.

Enough of this now, covered the fallacism of feminism and its philosophy more than enough on here but it is important for the context of this post as I am going to utter three words; Grand, Theft and Auto — the idea of the feminist dystopia since 2001.  If you have been living under a rock or been comatose for the last ten years; Grand Theft Auto is critically acclaimed and is, arguably, the most popular video game franchise — probably behind Mario.  The real question is; is a game named after a vehicle crime and on its most recent release, features three guns, a police pursuit and an attack helicopter in action on the cover really controversial?  What did you really expect from it?

I’ve been a fan of the series ever since I owned a PS2, with GTA: Vice City being one of the first games I got with it, along with Primal — before that actually, going round to my old friends’ houses to play it.  I’ve 100%’d all nine GTA games from III to V barring the two handheld Nintendo releases, I am currently one rank away from the gold ‘Above the Law’ trophy on GTA Online, I have a 444-song playlist of tracks featured throughout the series which is over a day and 9 hours long, so you already know my stance on it.  Whose opinion are you more likely to listen to on the subject; someone who knows it inside out, or someone who’s jumped on board the anti-GTA bandwagon and got caught up in the hysteria based on hearsay and not experiencing what it has to offer?

Attacking the police with a tank isn't why GTA is controversial, apparently...

Attacking the police with heavy artillery isn’t why the GTA series is controversial, apparently…

So why is Grand Theft Auto controversial among feminists?  Is it because you can steal vehicles, brutally resist arrest, rescue stranded drivers on a level crossing, slaughter animals, speed, take drugs, jaywalk, drink drive, obliterate pedestrians, collide with traffic, hijack military hardware paid for by the tax payer, take injured people to the hospital, cross red lights without turning right, start gang wars in residential districts, fire a rocket launcher in public, encroach the solid white line separating the directional flow of traffic, hit and run, put out vehicle fires, fly aircraft into skyscrapers, eat fast food, conduct heists, crash into signs and lamp posts, give the homeless money, plant an ignition bomb in an unsuspecting victim’s car, deal drugs, ride a bicycle on the pavement?  Nah, it’s because it’s sexist.

According to them, the only controversy is that you can get it on with the common prostitute and exercise your statutory rights and get a refund by killing her.  It is shocking I must say, you don’t get all of your money back sometimes although other times, you do get interest.  It is fitting that in GTA V, they have included Fear’s ‘The Mouth Don’t Stop (The Trouble with Women Is)‘ from 1985 in the soundtrack.  It is just a shame that they are too OUTRAGED to actually play the game, it is as if they are offended for the sake of being offended and aren’t offended through first-hand exposure, strange.

The BBC programme also cried about how you can visit strip clubs like in real life, as well as the in-game media being sexist and ignoring the fact the game satirises reality.  See, spoofing Facebook and Sprite here, two birds with one stone.  Americans who love the series are oblivious that it has been taking the piss out of them and their plastic culture for 13 years.  BL: TNBotS focused on the in-game billboards for reality TV series Serious Cougar and one for perfume brand Le Chien, complete with slogan ‘smell like a bitch’.  If you don’t like being the butt of parodies or satire, even on behalf of other people, move to North Korea or Belarus.  That’s the problem with living in the west, we have this really unfair principle called ‘free speech’.

Satirical or insultive?

Satirical or insultive?

Someone was SHOCKED and APPALLED at these biased findings, taking it to Twitter to express her OUTRAGE that you can slaughter whores in an 18-rated game.  She posed the question what if there was a game you could kill animals or children, like the murder of animals is far worse than that of humans.  I think game developers don’t feature children in gun-happy games for that reason, Rockstar — the developer of Grand Theft Auto — released Bully in 2006 where you were a mischievous boy at boarding school.  No guns, no hardcore violence, just the mild stuff we see in cartoons.  As expected, it caused an outcry from the usual suspects before it was released so R* renamed it in Europe to Canis Canem Edit — which didn’t stop its original name being retained for the special edition release in the same territory.

2004’s GTA: San Andreas responded to the criticism of gamers’ voluntary reaction to the socially immoral and downright illegal activity of street prostitution by including a pimping side-mission; where after you chauffeur a couple of slappers around one of the cities and save them from unruly and shortchanging clients, they start paying you for hanky panky instead.  There’s also a mission in the game where if you save one from a SWAT raid on a motel, you will be rewarded with a health boost, where’s the praise for that?  Oh yeah, feminists only emphasise on the negative.  Make a female-friendly game but with just a single bad act where a woman gets slapped and put in her place for being a bitch, all the feminist attention will be funnelled onto that one event and all positive aspects will be ignored.

There is a far more misogynistic game out there, by the way, one that rewards the player for killing women.  It is another of Rockstar’s titles, 2010’s Red Dead Redemption.  It’s just as critically acclaimed as its cousin because it isn’t Grand Theft Auto, it was not surrounded by a media frenzy and doesn’t have a reputation of that level.  You are awarded with an achievement for killing a random innocent woman by hogtying and placing her on a railway line, for a train to run her over.  Red Dead is very similar to GTA but this one takes place 100 years before the events of the latest installment of that, set in the badlands of the Wild West and at a time when the first-wave feminist movement had already peaked and going off what we know from Westerns, it’s being an accurate representation of the times.

You only care about this when you're told to, otherwise you wouldn't give two tosses.

You only care about this when you’re told to, otherwise you wouldn’t give two tosses.

There is a lot of woman violence that takes place within Redemption‘s universe but it’s up to Mr Marston, the protagonist, as to whether they should be saved.  Sometimes, you get a bit of in-game cash from the rescued victim if you do, sometimes you don’t but saving them does not contribute towards 100% completion or an achievement.  The fact of the matter is, people who are offended by video games never play them, they get upset over the bits the press tell them to weep about.  There will always be games that are more morally questionable than Grand Theft Auto but because Grand Theft Auto is Grand Theft Auto, the usual crowd will always point the finger at it.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, which was released in 2002, managed to call this brand of feminism around 10 years before it became prominent.  A guest on one of the in-game talk stations called the women against her idea of feminism self-hating misogynists who are trying hard to be accepted by the patriarchal society, along with fellow radical feminists whom she considers to be half-arsed in their misandristic approach.  The interview may be exaggerating certain mid-1980s beliefs, the period the game was set, but the fact it has became more relevant after time and now draws a pretty accurate picture is what makes it astounding.

Violence and criminality in general has existed long before games consoles were advanced enough to render 3D models and the press know that, they use the most prominent media outlet at the time as the scapegoat for society being dysfunctional.  If it wasn’t video games, it was music.  If it wasn’t music, it was TV.  If it wasn’t TV, it was films and do you know what is the main influence for each of those mediums?  Society, real events are what give the writers inspiration for their work.  Let’s use GTA: Vice City as an example; the game was heavily influenced by Scarface, which was a remake of a 1932 film of the same name, which in-turn was based on its namesake novel by Armitage Trail from 1929, a book that was a dramatisation of Al Capone’s goings-on during the prohibition era.

Capone didn't have a scapegoat but sure did influence the ones of today.

Capone’s actions were most definitely incited by someone like Al Jolson, if we go by today’s scapegoat mentality.

That Emily didn’t reply to me directly on Twitter but she had the cheek to reply behind my back, saying that I should ride shotgun on the anti-GTA bandwagon with her and get offended by nonsense that doesn’t affect me.  No ta, petal, I’m able to stand up for myself and don’t want to end up as a self-victimising opportunist who can’t look at and hear anything without getting upset.  I grew up with Crash Bandicoot and later, along with GTA, Pro Evolution Soccer but you don’t see me jumping around eating fruit or playing top-level football.  GTA V was the first in the series my mates got into, not because they had enough of the controversies, but that it seemed too much effort for them to maintain the protagonist in GTA: SA‘s wellbeing by eating every 48 game hours and hitting the gym.

I like crashing high speed into oncoming traffic and killing the other driver on impact in the game, do you think I’m going to attempt that in reality?  I must add, that pastime was more fun in GTA IV, as they actually flew through the windscreen.  Saying that, I have seen the result of a head-on collision many moons ago, skipping detention for an open day at North Trafford College only for the roads to be closed off.  Games are supposed to be fun, not boring and too demanding.  If I wanted to do all this realistic and low-octane bollocks outdoors, I’ll go outside instead.


This thing has been around for as long as we were able to communicate, make something more extravagant than it really is.  We do it everyday and I’ve been a victim of this, with it being made out I caused an episode in a Bradford branch of Chicken Cottage when all what happened was I ordered the same meal as someone else but with different drinks, he inadvertently took my dinner so I took his when it came and then swapped drinks.  It does miff me when someone makes glaring historical errors when recalling stories involving me or where I was a witness, I’m always there to save the day and right the wrong.

On the other side of the coin, there is presenting bullshit as fact and doing it in such a manner that people will buy into it.  Unfortunately that is quite commonplace, where no one questions the authenticity of something that seems rather extravagant and dubious.  Sometimes the bullshit is glaring right in front of you but it’s bizarre how many tread into it, other times it is in your face but you need to do a bit of work to truly smell the fishiness.  The latter is the case with “statistics”; it can be stated that 1 in 9 so-and-so, with the figures laid out underneath but when you work out the mean (the true average), the total comes closer to 1 in 5.  The issue there is the “stats” have been broken down and presented so people automatically assume the source is verifiable, also they don’t have the time or a calculator handy to do the arithmetic themselves.

It’s the European elections next month and the talk of the town has been the United Kingdom Independence party, UKIP.  All year the news outlets have been slating them and branding them this, that or the other because one of their members did this, that or the other.  So what?  We know they’re conservative Brits and therefore politically incorrect.  This week has been an eventful one for them; their new poster campaign has been deemed racist and hypocritical as one featured an Irishman — whose rights in the UK are determined by UK law and not EU law unlike with the Poles etc, a star in their latest video dissed Islam and someone else in their crew said Dudley-born hotel salesman Lenny Henry should go to a black country.  Henry said that there should be more black faces in the media and I think the UKIP bloke has a point there, this is a natively white country after all.

Why there should be more black people in the media.

The general public has been jumping on board the anti-UKIP bandwagon, well the loony left who are all for democracy and free speech, just as long as you share their ideologies.  One group I did find is Hope Not Hate who are so pathetically against them, they come up with the most ludicrous “facts” and statistics like they’re making a point.  Couple of those “points” were that UKIP MEPs hardly vote in the European parliament, the institution they are against and want to gain autonomy from and that they voted against combating tax evasion one time they didn’t abstain, as they vote against everything in protest against laws being made in Brussels instead of Westminster.

The loonies are always picking on a selection of their UK policies and some they made up themselves, which have little bearing in the party’s European pursuit.  People tend to be more radical at the European elections but are more civil in the general elections, I would vote BNP in the Euros but never in the nationals and locals.  Hope Not Hate say that they’re fighting against “racism” in politics but what have those examples got to do with ethnicity or creed?  These people are incredibly bitter, they can’t accept that others agree with UKIP’s policies and are instead shouting ‘racist’ at them, flexing their own fascist muscles.  They are the same people who think the British parliament should reflect the ethnic diversity of the country, which is a fucking shit idea.  Go to your country of origin if you want your race to be properly represented in government, stop moving to others and expecting to be given a slice of the cake.

Everyone laughed at UKIP when 26 million Bulgarians and Romanians didn’t arrive at Heathrow at the start of the year when all what the party did was note how many unemployed people there are in the EU sans Croatia, seeing that the UK became an Eastern European hotspot in 2004, not suggest how many will come over.  Europhiles are under the illusion that a UK outside the EU will fall back into the Stone Age and be isolated from the world, oblivious to massive economies like Japan and the USA not needing to be members of a power-sapping supernational economic union to be successful.

Their poster is racist, they're burning our national flag.

Their poster is racist, they’re burning our national flag.

Prime Minister David Cameron courted faux controversy by calling the UK a Christian country, which it is last time I checked.  England is Anglican, Scotland is Presbyterian, Wales was part of the Kingdom of England and Northern Ireland is split Catholic and Protestant.  The Queen is the head of the Church of England so what’s the deal?  Perhaps a meal wouldn’t be made out of it if Asians integrated into society and don’t isolate themselves and their many kids from it.  I live in a place full of Asians and one of them always shouts at her children, a horrible noise comes out of her not too dissimilar to that of Alien.  I think she has been impregnated by one and its spawn is going to crawl out of her mouth whilst she’s making that noise and’ll wreak terror in the ‘hood.

It’s just as bad in the sports world; Jack Wilshere was branded a racist last year for saying that the England football team should be for English players, which nobheads would refute that?  It defeats the point of international football if it was like club football or Qatar, buying players willy nilly and having a seemingly unlimited pool to choose from.  This all came about because England manager Roy Hodgson is misguided on the eligibility rules, he thought then-18 year old Belgian-born Kosovar-Albanian Adnan Januzaj could one day be capped for the Three Lions and the English population took his word for it.  He’s only been here for almost 3 years now, when the four UK associations have an agreement that players must have been born in, have at most a grandparent from or at least five years education by age 18 in any of the home nations before they are eligible for that particular one.

Let's keep Britain to be about British.

Let’s want Britain to be about British.

I thought this was settled when Scotland tried to cap Spaniard Nacho Novo, or when England tried to cap Spaniards Mikel Arteta and Manuel Almunia, or when Wales tried to cap Spaniard Angel Rangel.  They all failed because they aren’t British, nor are their parents nor their schools.  Blame Hodgson for being thick, not Wilshere for saying it how it was.  I think that it is dying down now in the UK, seeing English people represent Wales because their great gran once spent a weekend in Aberystwyth.  English-born pundits like Andy Townsend, Mick McCarthy and Mark Lawrenson — who were all too shit to play for England so chose Ireland — don’t know their own nationality; they still pretend to be Irish but call themselves English, I guess it depends on which one’s more fashionable at the time.

When the FA put the new England shirts on sale the other week, everyone was crying that they were £90, completely ignoring the fact that was the price of the player-specification shirts and not the replica.  Being a Man United fan, I know that Nike have been doing that quite a lot in recent years, even selling mislabelled “authentic” player-issue shirts in a neat box for £90.  Mislabelled as the proper match issued shirts shouldn’t have any labels in them at all, the wash care symbols should be heat pressed inside the shirt.  To add insult to injury and some irony to proceedings, there were times that season where United players wore replicas in matches as stocks were running low, more so when the season was reaching its climax.

At the Old Trafford museum, they hang up replica shirts in the dressing room outside matchdays so we know where each player sits, Dave the tour guide told us that the matchday shirts are far more rugged than the replicas.  Surely it should be the opposite, they only get worn for 45 minutes before never seeing the light of day again, replicas — if bought by Sunday League footballers — go through more hustle and bustle.  The worst thing is that Nike shirts are made from EIGHT plastic bottles, which are pennies to produce.  You can buy good quality unauthorised replica shirts on the online black market, they’re around £12 so you’re not getting ripped off unlike with “authentic” replicas.

Contradicting my claim from two years ago by 46.666666666666664%, I am really sorry about misleading you.

Contradicting my claim from two years ago by 46.666666666666664%, I am really sorry about misleading you.

There was another football-related shitstorm last year that everyone has now forgotten about because it was a massive non-story, which was Kyle Walker inhaling laughing gas.  You get laughing gas in whipped cream and I have a canister of that in the fridge, am I a hardline druggie now?  Laughing gas is nitrous oxide, nitrogen and oxygen are the two most abundant elements in the earth’s atmosphere so what’s the deal?  Medical professionals use the stuff to ease the pain of patients, I think it’s that the press want to shame someone for blowing bullshit out of proportion and hoping the gullible will buy into it.  What next, name and shame people taking hydrous oxide?

It’s like all this internet spying nonsense; we know our internet providers and IT technicians in buildings monitor our web activity but when a news outlet spins it because a website does all that, there’s a fucking outrage.  It is a sad state of affairs when people actually do fall for that shite and get caught up in this hysteria.  Give it all a week before everyone is bored and it’s forgotten about, when the rags witch hunt another high-profile person for being a racist, antisemitic Islamophobe because they ate a bacon butty — with everyone else who does it also being scums of the earth and will contract cancer from looking at it.

Living in the digital age does have its upsides — there are so many more channels at our disposal and none of them have to fulfill a news output quota so you can stick to them and can abstain from the news for weeks, all your worries about ’70s paedophilia and terrorists blowing each other up in an irrelevant land are forgotten about.  Games consoles are heavily dependent on being connected to the internet which has drastically increased their replay value, from the longevity of games to streaming services of a vast catalogue of films and TV shows.  Until you watch the news again, you realise how much you don’t give a fuck about current affairs.

Youth of Today

The current crop of teenagers are doomed, they have become severely out of touch with the world.  They’d rather talk to their “friends” (who they never met) through a headset, playing some online roleplaying game on their computers, than going outside and interact with them.  It is a bit rich coming from me though, typing this up at 4am but back in the day when I was their age, I played football on the streets with my mates, we went to the pictures sometimes, we even went out for dinner with their family at short notice — if any notice was given.  All that now seems to be confined the past and today, teenagers almost shit themselves when someone literally talks to them.  They cannot exercise their statutory rights and exchange a packet of crisps because they happened to pick up the wrong flavour, bit of a tame example but they are scared of grabbing the bull by the horns, a tamed bull.

There could be a factor of things as to why the teenagers of the 2010s are socially inept, compared to us lot from the previous decade.  Technology could be one; everything is so much advanced and like everyone, it heavily relies on the internet to function and are prone to being exploited.  It was around 15 years ago when broadband was phasing out dial-up, where simultaneously browsing the web and using the phone was seen as witchcraft.  Now, in the age of WiFi and fibre optics, dial-up might as well be reintroduced because no one uses their landline anymore.  Call me a dinosaur but we have become too connected, we don’t need to go leave the house to pop to the shops for a pint of milk.  We did have our game consoles back then and a shitload of games but we knew our limits, we didn’t become obsessed like they are now.

Another reason could be that we have become a people brainwashed by sensationalism, we should be scared and that has weakened us.  The kids are too dependent now and rely on someone to set things out for them instead of using their intuition, we have now lost our sense of community.  There was an old lady who lived down our road and she invited us into her house, we watched Fort Boyard and played this ball game in the garden where we had to guess who hid it.  We can’t do that today because kids are ordered not to go outside, in case Ian Huntley lives next door and invites them in for cake.  With all this aforementioned tech, it has made these people hate fresh air and physical activity so scaremongering may not be to blame.  The government rally on about life expectancy increasing and straining the NHS, these lot will be dead by 30, either via morbid obesity or severe malnutrition.

Split screen: The true definition of multiplayer, none of that online jazz,

Split screen: The true definition of multiplayer, none of that online jazz.

We are living longer partly because the chemicals in our food have been illegalised and been replaced by healthier and natural alternatives, it’s been 10 years now and they haven’t found an alternative for the red shoe dye in the bacon Pot Noodles, which was giving us all cancer.  Smoking’s now banned inside public places, tobacco advertising was forbidden around 10 years ago too and the age limit was increased from 16 to 18 back in 2007.   So what are the kids turning to now?  Electronic cigarettes.  Even by those who’ve never smoked a proper fag before, e-cigs are only gonna lead to harder stuff for them.  The whole point of them was to draw people away from smoking altogether by reducing their nicotine intake without going cold turkey and suffering withdrawal symptoms, not to do the exact opposite and act as a step up to tobacco consumption.

Having two brothers myself and being of different “generations”, I have been able to witness this decline in sociability — not to mention going back to college and being surrounded by 16-18 year olds.  I’m the oldest out of the lot and my next brother is like 14 or 15, with the youngest being 7 years old.  The young one is a borderline spacker, he came round for Christmas to stay with dad for whilst I stayed with mum and the younger brother.  My dad is just as bad, when I came back a week later, my dirty washing and pots were still untouched as either of them neither; have the common sense gene or have the courtesy to do some housework, even if one of those jobs takes 2 minutes max.  I would go with the former, to be politically correct, as I came back to tooth marks dug into my remote control.  They didn’t even bother washing the pots they used in that week and expected me to do it.

The 14-15 one, Will, there is something mentally wrong with him but both parents deny it.  When he gets away from his house life for a week, he still insists on going on his laptop and playing Habbo Hotel or World of Warcraft.  He is a fucking gobshite and turns into a cocky prick when you point out his shitty way of life to him, I will list why he is a terrible at being a human being:-  He’s incredibly skinny and only eats when you tell him to.  He has very bad eczema but stays in bed until 3pm and never leaves his stuffy, humid and smelly room.  He only drinks bottled water because he doesn’t like any other liquid despite not trying anything else.  He doesn’t know when he’s dirty and smelly so he never showers, unless you tell him and still he’s reluctant to get clean.  He “gets his kicks” off pictures of an anthropomorphised transsexual slug inserting its abnormally massive dick inside the dick of another tranny slug.  He still wore nappies and drank milk out of a baby’s bottle until he was like 7.

It's not long until this level of stupidity becomes the norm for young people.

It won’t be long until this level of stupidity becomes the norm for young people.

He gets so immersed in those games, he would die unless someone tells him to do normal human things like eat and shit.  Dad just reinforces his lacklustre behaviour, himself gorping in front of his screen on those Flash games with the annoying sound effects, the same person who made me play Crash Bandicoot 3 with the sound down because he didn’t like the music.  His idea of a day out is going Tesco to buy slices of ham whereas with my mum, we all went out on one of those family adventure attraction thingies in the middle of the countryside.  With the 7 year old, I just hope he can be taught well and be put off Will’s no-lifestyle.  The younger generation can learn and what’s happening now will just be a blip.

To the point in hand because my dad doesn’t like it when I talk squat about him, teens today are boring droves with no personality.  They are uncultured and losing touch with their own national identity, obsessed with Japanese cartoons they can’t understand and influenced by the American internet culture which is set out by people of a similar stature on the other side of the Atlantic.  It’s what wannabe westerners from Turkey and Indonesia, who see those Yanks as the epitome of what’s cool in the western world.  Brits don’t need to do it because we are westerners and unlike Americans, we have our own culture(s) and heritage(s).

I’ve heard British teens recently say ‘zee’ for the letter Z, ‘groceries’ for shopping, ‘cafeteria’ instead of canteen, ‘candy’ for sweets, ‘Legoes’ for the plural of Lego (which is the same as the singular), ‘season’ for a group of six episodes of a TV programme.  They also think the American Office is the original one and have never seen the original British series, although granted, Ricky Gervais has become an insufferable prick after the success of it inflated his ego ten thousand-fold — I haven’t seen the British series (nor the American one) either and it’s that what’s put me off.  There are some Americanisms which have slipped into the British vernacular in general though, ‘block’ probably being my biggest culprit as I grew up on a crescent-shaped street.  In British, it means one building but in American, it is a group of buildings bounded by roads.

10 Top Tips to Become an Animator

Late last year, MediaCityUK held a media festival which featured big names like Conor McNamara of BBC Radio Five Live and occasional Match of the Day fame, TV executives and people of that calibre.  I went to a talk entitled Ten Top Tips to get, and develop, in animation… and stay there with Justin Weyers, according to the guidebook we were given.  If you don’t know who Mr Weyers is, he produced a skit in a Monty Python documentary a couple of years back and he’s legendary in his profession — not my words nor the words of Shakin’ Stevens, they’re the words of the guide.

We were given a notebook to take notes on and I put it to good use, to take notes of the advice given from Justin.  It was a good pad, it had ‘Salford Media Festival’ watermarked on each leaf.  Don’t know why I went, animation doesn’t tickle my fancy although I did dabble in it at college, got a great stop-motion video of a Transformer-esque spartan fighting a Ugandan Stealth Force agent.

    • Perceive things differently, try to at least.  Put a different take on things, ¿sdɐɥɹǝd xoq ǝɥʇ ǝpᴉsʇno ʞuᴉɥʇ
    • Having tattoos and piercings does NOT make you creative, too many self-proclaimed graphic designers have a cone sticking out their earlobe, have their hair styled so it’s always pointing towards Hong Kong, and wear Roy Orbison specs with pieces of perspex in place of varifocal lenses or any other plastics that aid your sight.
      • Why not own a reptile in a fish tank whilst we’re at it?  Be so hip that you need replacing in 50 years’ time, they’re all fucking at it.
    • Be different to the next person along, different in any way you can.  Have a different gran or a different liver, something that makes you different from the rest of the droves around you.
    • Probably for those with no creative ability without portfolio, that is what parodies are after all, happens in all or most renowned animated productions anyway.
      • ‘Animate a song line’ was what he told us and being in Manchester, someone suggested The Smiths’s ‘There’s a Light That Never Goes Out’.  That is easy for me because I remember a time when the light switch in our first house (years after we moved out of it) wouldn’t turn off, I was there when the electrician — who was only there to sort out the fuse box — ripped out the switch from the fitting and fixed it at the turn of a screwdriver.
        • That said, witness something that’s considered oddball to everyone else.  I’m sure everyone has witnessed something most of us never had, I’m sure only three of us were there at the light switch incident and I’m probably the only one who remembered it.
    • Eastern Europeans laugh severely at everything, like they’re being forced, as if what they were watching was a communist propaganda video in the 1970s.  I think I was the only Manc in the room, there was a guy from St. Helens who claimed to be Irish and everyone else was from Slovakia and Bulgaria etc.  He only asked four of us where we came from.
    • Be foreign.  Come from another country or go to one, it makes you international.  After all, Justin is Australian and was due in San Francisco the week after.
      • If you already migrated, whether for economic or political or whatever reason, you are already one step ahead of the game.
      • For people like me, who can only trace their roots back to the north of this island, the countries on equal billing to or better than the UK are:
        • USA
        • Proper Commonwealth (Australia, Canada, New Zealand)
        • Europe on the brighter side of the former Iron Curtain (AKA Western Europe)
      • As stated earlier, Eastern Europe is worth a punt, plus most of the countries there are in the EU so you don’t need a visa or a work permit.  Although they’re not as “prestigious” as those listed above.
      • Countries to avoid:
        • Ireland — too non-foreign.  Do you consider Terry Wogan or Graham Norton to be “international”?
        • Scotland — as above, if the Lord Emperor Salmond gets his way to make it no longer legally obligant to fly the Union Jack outside Holyrood.
        • Spain — too full of British chavs, on the cheap resorts and islands that is.  Nowt wrong with the landlocked cities and decent coastal ones like Barcelona, Valencia, San Sebastián and the like.  It’s places like Benidorm and Marbella I mean, full list of Spanish places to avoid here.
        • Greece — as above.
        • Cyprus — as above above, minus the detail.
    • Let’s be honest, it gets you everywhere and it disappoints most of the time.  The guy was boasting how he could sell ice to Eskimos, nobody likes a showoff/bighead.
    • Know a renowned animator, probably someone bigger than Justin Weyers, like Matt Groening.  Being good pals with one gets you into the industry like a click of the finger (should say ‘at’, but everyone means what I meant).
      • If you’re trying to get to know one, don’t ask nooby cliché questions like ‘what inspired you to get into animation?’.  They’d see you more of an advice seeker than a budding affiliate.
        • Ask mundane questions instead to find some common ground, work up a friendship from that.  Ask if they liked Pogs or something round there on the lameness scale, you will be bezzies and be within the industry in no time.
    • If you’re starting from the bottom, demand £50 a day for your work.  It’s the basic amount and it’s decent, shows you’re not needy and aren’t trying to milk the client dry.  I got paid £50 a day to decorate for 8 hours, if you want to compare it to something, works out at £6.25 an hour so it’s just above the minimum wage.  Once you make it big, you’ll be shitting out £50 instead.
    • Watch more cartoons, any animated films, anything not live action footage.  I recommend Waltz with Bashir, I’ve not seen it but I did review the animation techniques in the film.  It is NOT rotoscoping, they didn’t trace over live action footage but it was used as a base, much like using the landscape in front of you when you’re drawing from a hilltop.  The animation style is cel shading, which was also famously used in CBeebies programme Boo! and video game XIII.
      • Public Image Ltd. features in the film’s soundtrack, I’ve gotten into them after deciding to rip their Plastic Box box set.  ‘Don’t Ask Me’ and ‘Criminal’ are some good tunes, not their signature nor mainstream songs but still good.  They’d be underrated if their anchor member wasn’t the lead singer of the Sex Pistols and a main player in the late-1970s British anti-establishment music scene.  They may not have been underrated in the ’80s but they certainly are now, unless you’re over 40.
    • If you can’t animate, do voiceovers.  They are a key role within animation, you don’t need to sound like anyone in particular otherwise that’s imitating.  Surely, everyone bar the mute can do voices?
    • This is here because I don’t have a proper tip to make up the numbers, I originally listed 12 but 3 of them entwined with others.  Sorry.
    • Related to this point and something I did jot down, the biggest contributor at the talk was someone sat among us, on the front row.  So… have a double agent disguised as a pawn for when audience contributions are dry, once you’ve made it big and are giving out talks on how to animate?
      • There, I deceived myself on the subject of deception.

Like all Top Tips advice on the internet, this doesn’t intend to be helpful, your ability to draw and animate plays a more essential role.

  • April 2021
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